Beards Do it Better
A silly study for sports levity, brought to you by your friend in ball, Felina
Welcome back to &They All Went to the Ballpark , where we are in the doldrums of the baseball offseason, truly! Did you know in Spanish the offseason is called the dead season? Es la Temporada Muerta.
But that’s where we are! Spring Training kicks off in a week, and unless you’re a crazy dedicated peloterísta like me, you’re probably not paying attention to the drama that unfolded with the end of the LiDom season, or the current drama con Puerto Rico sobre lo upcoming World Baseball Classic. [More on the WBC, and why I’m attempting Spanish, coming soon…]
So, until pitchers and catchers report to Arizona and Florida to give us something to talk about, I thought I’d present you all with a fun study on the most important thing an athlete can focus on off the field - their facial hair.
Naturally I’m more invested in such a topic than the average sports consumer. I blame my upbringing. In case you didn’t already know, I was raised by a proud, Spartan man with a high-quality beard (Hi Louie!), and have spent my entire life following a team with a historic tie to mustaches (Hi Rollie Fingers!). These days that team is mostly made up of guys whose facial hair connects worse than free wifi at the airport. Sad.
To me, there is nothing more “show” than a guy with freshly painted eye-black, a ridiculously-tinted pair of Oakleys, and fun facial hair. I feel like I can comfortably settle into my chair when that guy takes the field.
Grooming decisions took a more obvious front seat this past season when the Yankees finally decided to dissolve their 50 year-long rule barring players from expressing themselves in such a way.
Prior to this, no beards were allowed in the Bronx, only mustaches, and the hair that comes from the top of one’s head could not reach down to the collar. This policy made the Yanks stand out, and certainly look more uniform, but also had fans feeling like “get with the times, Gramps.”
There had been spills with players and ownership in the past; notably Don Mattingly was benched for refusing to conform when he was on the roster in 1991. Especially nowadays, as the game is growing and loosening uniform rules, it seems only reasonable that this archaic rule probably hindered New York from signing certain players, or retaining them, if they were interested in self-expression, or just ugly when shaven (hey, it happens).
This first season with “well-groomed beards” in pinstripes did not lead to a monsoon of players opting in. Somewhat pointedly, when asked, team captain Aaron Judge said he still planned to keep clean-shaven: “I got drafted by this organization, so the very first day I was here, I’ve been shaving since 2013,” Judgey said. “This is what I know, this is what I’m used to. I look around the building, look at old photos of the past legends and people that played here, they all followed that rule, so I just tried to follow on their path.”
That bummed me out a little, because he is the face of the sport for a lot of kids, particularly on the East Coast, or anyone who plays MLB The Show. Double-bummer because there was one off-season years ago where he debuted a winter beard and he looked GOOD.
Opening Day 2025, Carlos Rodón took the mound with the first ever “well-groomed” beard worn by a Yankee at the New Yankee Stadium. Devin Williams took the mound to close out that game in the 9th with the second.
More interesting than all of that to me though, is seeing how a couple of recent Yankees exploded after the leaving barber-constraints at 161st Street in the BX.
Despite being the only ever Professional baseball player named Gleyber (as a friendly Yankee fan once told me, “it rhymes with labor”), Mr. Torres turned heads this year with a performance that made him a bigger name than any of his prior 7 MLB seasons. Arguably Detroit’s second Venezuelan king, after Miggy Cabrera, Gleybs garnered his second All-Star nod this year, his first was during his debut season in 2019. This was his best performance since. Is it beard related?
For my very silly argument’s sake, his pre-Beard and post-Beard averages line up as follows (ha):
The Green boxes are stats that (on average) he improved upon from his pinstriped/shaven performance. Walks nearly doubled, 10+ more hits and RBI per season, and his WAR (Wins Above Replacement) kicked up to nearly 3. Maybe the most impressive change is that with beard Gleybey-baby cut his K’s by almost 21%!
He tied his former self in doubles (2B), batting average (BA), and Total Bases (TB).
The only significant drop is his stolen base average per season, but I won’t charge him for that, given that he is nearing 30, also known as geezer in baseball years.
In other beardlines (it was supposed to read like headlines, but for beards. Oh well), another recently departed Yank has been improving elsewhere. Isiah Kiner-Falefa, known affectionately across baseball fandoms as IKF, has bounced from Toronto to Pittsburgh, and then back to Toronto in the past two years. He started his career with the Texas Rangers, where he had a glorious beard that was shaved on camera when he left for New York.
I ran the numbers for IKF, tagging what is essentially he pre and post Yankee tenures as “With Beard.” They don’t immediately scream different, but there are still some interesting notes. Our Hawaiian prince, Mr. Falefa, grounds into double plays about 18% less often with a beard than without, and strikes out 10% less.
His hit totals are nearly the same, but he’s garnering more doubles and triples, on average per season, which notches his slugging (SLG) rates up a touch. He walks a lot less, steals bases less, drives in less runs, but that could also be reflective of averaging more seasons of varying playtime together than the two Yankee years.
For example, if I just highlight his most recent two seasons, his average homerun total is also 5/year. Same for his RBI totals of late, he averages closer to 42 again. It’s absolutely possible that in those early years, even the power of the beard was no match for the massive change that is being called up to the major leagues and sometimes playing at the catching position.
Also worth noting, his only awarding achievement was with beard - his 2019 Gold Glove.
There are a few conclusions we can pull from this, none all that scientific: You probably are reading this at home or the office, thinking “Well, Felina, maybe with maturing comes better, calmer ABs, and also more facial hair.”
HUSH. But yes, that absolutely makes sense.
Or, “is this a sign that playing under the ~brightlights~ of NYC is hard and intimidating?”
Maybe. Probably. Sure.
Or, even, “this was a real waste of my time on a Thursday morning.”
Be happy this isn’t another bill or terrifying news story, Gerald. Lighten up.
I will concede there are some interesting, reasonable ties to the maturity that comes in the later seasons of one’s career. And certainly playing for the loud Yankee faithful is tough if you’re not cut out for it.
But there’s one thing we can’t dispute, and that’s the attractiveness of a baseball player with a full, lush beard.
I’m not just saying this as a woman who loves a furry man in baseball pants. The numbers prove it.
Both IKF and Gleyber saw their hit by pitch (HBP) totals jump 2 more per season those years that they had beards! So not only are there more swooning eyes magnetized to them, the ball was attracted to them as well. Ouch.
** Carrie Bradshaw Voice ** I thought to myself… What if Mark Canha had played with a beard all those years he lead the league in being beaned? His numbers would have been broken more records than times Big broke my heart.
** Felina voice ** No, but really? His memorable sideburns aside, I now knew what I had to do. And thanks to the technology on my “fancy-ass phone,” as my dad calls it, you all get to experience this.
Nothing like capping off a ridiculous blog post with a ridiculous image. You’re welcome mes élèves!
I’ll be back with some exciting adventure recaps veryyyyyy soon! Stay tuned. And be Good. ✌️